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ms Holland
random musings, when i feel like it.
(:

with trembling fear, /9:57 PM

i thought for the longest period of time if i should share this on my blog. (long period of silence.) and yeah okay, why not- for all i know there may be friends who are knowingly, or unknowing, be facing the same thing too.

last night was a very very.... dark night. probably, i would have used the word "emo" last time, but now i use the word dark to describe it. i couldnt sleep so i was heavily reading the bible and when i finally got tired, it was already say nearing 3am. it was very very very late into the night already, and i cant remember if i was conscious or not but i definitely distinctly rmb my mind running like crazy. In an instant, God brought me back into the memories of years ago. i vividly rmb my dad's voice- the way it were when he was scolding me when i was younger. He liked to say "(fill in abusive words here)" and even to my brother now sometimes. Those words rang terrifyingly as i contemplated every word said, and revisited those instances emotionally. with trembling fear, i listened. I was dumbfounded at my state of fear, i never knew i was so afraid, the years of closing up when i was younger had made me numb then. But not tonight. Immediately, i knew it was beyond me to face it, what more find healing. So i prayed to God and told Him with great details how scared, afraid and horrified I was when i heard those words -both in life and in my memory. I was really scared and filled with fear - to the brink of tears. I began describing everything that ran through my mind, because i knew it was the time for me to finally come face to face, vis-a-vis, to one of the many afflictions that have been hidden under the rug. And this time, i didnt have to run away because i knew God was there with me. I knew that this was one place in my heart where I had still harboured fear against man- against my dad. As i continued pouring out my rejectedness, sadness, fear, fear and even more fear, God said "I will protect you and no one will harm you." God will cast a shield of protection and in His arms, I no longer have to be afraid. He protected me, even when I was a non-christian, what more now as I proclaim in faith that Jesus is Lord.

Coincidentally, I bookmarked Psalm 121 some 2 days ago, and as I am writing, I was brought back to it again. These are the promises that God has given us, all who are afflicted.

Psalm 121

I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip- He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm- He will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore.

I guess it has never occurred to me with conscious awareness that I've had an abusive childhood, and even teenage. Even if it was against my mom, my sister, my ex-stepmom or my brother, I took it as it was against me too. All because I thought that I was part of the family that contributed to his frustration. I was hurled at by verbal, mental and physical abuse. But I thank God for surfacing this up, like how He as already surfaced many other issues. And as He digs up more and more of my dirty laundry, I find myself being able to better face these issues because now i know- i'm definitely not alone in this, because now God has given me not only courage but has given me His whole self and presence as i stand facing these pains. Surely, i ran away from facing these things when i was younger because with my own minute strength and knowledge, that was the only thing i could do. Like when you touch a boiling kettle, you immediately jerk your hand off because of the inbuilt pain reflex. Running away never solved things, but things will just continue to grow into you and in a mysterious way, begin to eat away your radiance and shine. But really, the tremendous support and strength that God can render is just indescribable. I even find it comforting to know that right now, even as God brings me to face my bygone childhood, He will provide all the healing, comfort and love that's need to bind me up and build me anew.

Reading Job today, I managed to bind up some points together. Job 33 "(v13) In a dream.... when deep sleep falls on men, He may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings..... (v22) his soul draws near o the pit, and his life to the messengers of death..... (v29-30) God does all these things to a man- twice, even three times- to turn back his soul from the pit, that the light of life may shine on him." and further down in Job 36 "(v15-16) But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in these affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food."

"Do you not fear me? declares the Lord. Do you not tremble before me?" Jeremiah 5:22
Now, I do not fear man any longer. The only thing I stand in trembling fear of is God. (:

0 had their say | have yours?

wenyi
5th aug 88
covenant evangelical free church
nus dentistry '11
God, family, friends, people, animals. (yes, in that order (: )

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xinyi
jess
years in the making!
rest here.
teach yourself some danielchoo guitar!